Eric Massa: Reinterpreted

Rep. Massa's narrative is less inspiring that that of other politicians, but far more entertaining.

In politics and in life, it is both what you say and how you say it. Former U.S. Rep. Eric Massa, D-N.Y., should know that now.

You remember Massa, right? In a series of interviews following a sexual harassment scandal and subsequent resignation from Congress, Massa said some…well…off-colored things. Things that you would never expect a politician to say. And not in that “he’s speaking truth to power!” or that “he’s just like us!” way. In fact, quite the opposite.

Naturally, I made a few videos after the Massa interviews using his words in a different context — perhaps a more fitting context. Here is one of those videos starring my brother Shawn.

Massa really said those things. Watch it for yourself in the last 20 seconds of this video:

Spam Mailbag: I answer my spam commenters

Since I started this website, I have received an incredible amount of spam comments because I hadn’t yet activated my Akismet key. Big mistake. Now everything should be okay.

Some of the spam comments, however, were quite amusing. So I responded to a select few spam comments in this mailbag edition of my blog:

DID YOU KNOW?! Only royalty in ancient Egypt could afford to send and receive spam mail due to the high cost of spam messenger services

“Do you guys think that there will be a dubstep stage at Electric Daisy Carnival: Las Vegas?  I hope there are 91512″

Dear Dubstep fanbot,

First of all, thank you very much for reading my blog. Dubstep fanbots such as yourself are the reason I began writing this blog in the first place. Now, as for your comment: I respectfully must disagree with you. It is just my opinion that 91,512 dubstep stages at the Electric Daisy Carnival in Las Vegas is not a good use of time or resources for anyone. The construction of that many stages would be arduous and expensive, a number of the stages would likely go unused, and the dubstep fanbase in Las Vegas might not be large enough for this move to pay off financially. I hope you reconsider your position, and I would also encourage you to listen to other music genres that aren’t dubstep. You know, broaden your horizons. That way, you can enjoy the non-dubstep performances instead of hoping for an unrealistic amount of dubstep stages. Thanks for spamming.

“Hello! I have got a dark circles under my eyes. I Want to know what causes those dark circles and annoying bags under my eyes? Also I hear about Eyelasticity cream anyone been try it or not…Thanks for your help!”

Dear spambot with dark undereye circles,

Thank you for being so honest about the troubles you are facing on your face. That is very brave of you to do so unprovoked on my blog. I might recommend that you visit a dermatologist or a cosmetologist instead of my blog. Or, better yet, a Proctorologist. If that doesn’t work, perhaps you should spend more time sleeping and less time spamming my blog at  3 a.m. Thanks for spamming.

“Good day, I cant believe a number of of the w16eb sites I have been taken to from stumblupon. I was 24trying to pass a couple of dull 60 minutes away, when stumbleupon brought me here. What a extraordinary page you possess I’m so delighted to have discovered it I have just passed the previous 20 mins running through several of your articles and reviews, and have also bookmarked some of them. I will defiantly be back to learn a tiny bit more when i have alittle more time.”

Dear “stumplupon”-referred spammer,

Thank you for writing. I know you have your choice in w16eb sites, and I would like to thank you for choosing mine. On some occasions, I, too, like to pass a dull 60 minutes away by browsing through websites on stumbleupon. However, I feel like I know you well enough now that I can say something about your strange budgeting of time. You took 20 minutes to go through my relatively simple website, spent time writing this comment, and spent 60 minutes on stumpleupon, but you aren’t going to come back to my site until you have “alittle more time”? What is it that you were putting off while dicking around on the Internet? It sounds important. Maybe you should focus on whatever it was instead. With that said, I am looking forward to your defiant return to my website. Thanks for spamming.

It is rumored that "The Mailman" Karl Malone now spends his retirement sending spam mail

“It is actually a great and useful piece of info. I am glad that you just shared this helpful info with us. Please stay us informed like this. Thank you for sharing.”

Dear readerbot,

You’re welcome. As you can probably tell based on my posts, the primary objective of my blog is to stay people informed and share helpful info. I hope my readers now understand more about Italian Grandmothers, Adam West, and Mel Kiper’s relationship to the apocalypse so that they can make informed decisions in their lives. Thanks for spamming.

So I’m just gonna make some observations straight off th25e bat and be honest.

Dear honest spambot,

Whenever you are ready to make your observations straight off th25e bat, I will be here.

“What a great web log. I spend hours on the net reading blogs, about tons of various subjects. I have to first of all give praise to whoever created your theme and second of all to you for writing what i can only describe as an fabulous article. I honestly believe there is a skill to writing articles that only very few posses and honestly you got it. The combining of demonstrative and upper-class content is by all odds super rare with the astronomic amount of blogs on the cyberspace.”

Dear web-log-reading spambot,

Thank you so much for your kind words. Really the only reason that I started this website is to show that I “got it.” I am pleased that you noticed my demonstrative and upper-class style. You’re too kind. Please stop. No, really, PLEASE STOP. Thanks for spamming.

A New York subway pervert and memories of Dave Chappelle

The good thing about public transportation in a city is that almost anyone can use it. The bad thing about public transportation in a city is that almost anyone can use it.

Case in point: The following viral video of a woman confronting a flasher on a subway in New York City. Luckily, I have never had to deal with a situation like this in my experiences on buses and the D.C. Metro, but I would like to think I would react the same way:

Hell yeah. Good for her. I know it’s probably unrelated, but maybe she prepared herself by watching Dave Chappelle’s standup on a bus flasher:

Ahh, I miss him. However, I do NOT miss the number of loud students at my predominately white high school who thought it was hilarious to imitate lines from his sketches in the hallways between classes. Hearing “YEEEAAHHH!” in the key of Lil John every day almost spoiled that bit for me. Almost.

J. Edgar Hoover: Is he as gay as Hollywood says?

I am ashamed to admit it, but I recently found myself watching E! Television News.

If you are still reading this, it means that you have decided to stay with me after that first sentence. You are a real trooper. I heartily thank you for your time and consideration, and I hope to earn back your trust with the remainder of this blog post.

Now, moving on: One story on the so-called entertainment “news” program actually caught my interest — this December (Oscar season!), there will be a new movie in theaters about J. Edgar Hoover. The aptly-titled “J. Edgar” is said to portray the longtime FBI director and power abuser as a closeted gay man who had an affair with his associate director.

At first glance, the movie sounded like another amusing Oliver Stone conspiracy flick. Then I realized that the film is directed by acclaimed badass Clint Eastwood and stars famous people Leonardo DiCaprio and Naomi Watts, as well as that guy from “Burn Notice” and a box of Arm & Hammer Baking Soda. So far, so good.

However, I had to wonder where the screenwriter of “Milk” and “Big Love,” Dustin Lance Black, got the idea for his latest foray into sexuality-based cinema. I had always been under the impression that the rumors regarding Hoover’s sexuality were based on unconfirmed hearsay. Surely the folks in Hollywood wouldn’t run with such a flimsy story. But then I did some research and discovered this old cover of People Magazine that was released on “National Coming Out Day” in 1956 (Click to enlarge):

J. Edgar Hoover famously came out on in an exclusive interview with People Magazine, paving the way for Lance Bass, Clay Aiken, and others.

Now I am convinced. If only other rumored historical gays Abraham Lincoln, Leonardo Da Vinci, Michelangelo, Adolf Hitler, and James Buchanan (the bachelor president) had announced their gayhood on the cover of People Magazine. Then we could all stop wondering and enjoy more movies based on the private personal lives of long-dead public figures.

A Letter From Your Italian Grandmother

Have you ever watched a movie with European parents comparing their children or grandchildren (i.e., The Godfather or My Big Fat Greek Wedding)? Do you have a family matriarch or patriarch who asks you, directly or indirectly, why you can’t be more like your sibling?

This is a video my sister and I put together yesterday based on that premise (she did most of the work…okay, almost all of the work). We all have an Aficionado or a Nutella or a Linguini or a Paparazzo in our families. And sometimes, we have to hear about it from our parents or grandparents. I hope you enjoy.

Can the world end without the help of Mel Kiper?

Three days after the rapture that wasn’t, the Associated Press reports that Chief Apocalypse Predictor Harold Camping has discovered that the real apocalypse will occur in October.

Oct. 21 is the exact date, according to Camping. So what of that May 21 date? Why, it was simply a “spiritual” Judgment Day, meaning that it was the day we all came under Christ’s judgment, and not, as we all thought, the day where the righteous slip out of their clothes and the surly bonds of earth to touch the face of God.

In other words, God used May 21 to select who he is going to pick for rapture. Sort of like a draft. It’s just that the signing day for his draft selections won’t happen until October. And there may or may not be undrafted free agents (who really knows the rules of a rapture anyway? It’s not like there is a true Collective Bargaining Agreement with God). That’s all.

Sure, he has been wrong twice now if you count that time that he was wrong in 1994. But I’m skeptical of Camping for another reason:

Mel Kiper, NFL draft guru and possible proof positive that there isn't going to be a rapture.

Yes, God is an omnipotent, all-knowing being. But, if you were God or Jesus H. Christ, you’re probably pretty busy, what with all the being supreme ruler of the earth and the heavens and all. So, if you’re having a draft of all of the souls on earth, wouldn’t you first rapture Mel Kiper in advance? The man has almost 30 years of draft and scouting experience. His big board is the only thing on earth comparable to St. Peter’s Big Board. His vision-impaired eye for talent is unmatched.

And check out that hair. Only someone with a tremendous amount of skill and confidence can pull off that Gordon Gecko-style in 2011 and still get regular air time.

Then again, maybe God already tried to rapture Kiper but couldn’t get him out of his contract. After all, Kiper does work for a channel owned by Disney and their team of legal Imagineers.

If that is the case, I implore ESPN to reconsider and let Kiper go to heaven. ESPN can make do in our final five months on earth with the more telegenic Todd McShay. But if God tries to go and have a draft without Kiper, there may be hell to pay.

A Letter to Adam West

The following is an open letter to Adam West on behalf of the Armless Mountains Foundation, a fictional organization that I am proud to have co-founded.

Mr. West,

First of all, we would like to thank you. During a career spanning five decades, you have captivated audiences with your masterful performances on screens both big and small. You kept us at the edge of our seats as Ty Lookwell in the 1991 TV movie “Lookwell.” You made us cry in the tragic role of the Young Mermaid Man in the TV drama “Spongebob Squarepants.” You gained our respect as George Washington in “1775.” You frightened us as “The Galloping Gazelle” in Goosebumps. And you made us laugh in “Johnny Bravo.”

And, of course, you somehow managed to make us go through the whole range of emotions in your iconic reoccurring role as The Batman, the adult version of the popular “Bat Boy” character from the Weekly World News novellas.

While you are now more focused on your mayorship of Quahog, Rhode Island, and no longer play the role of the caped crusader, we are writing you in the hope that you take on a new role, which promises to be, by far, the most challenging and rewarding part that you have ever played: our new grandfather.

There are few, if any, roles as important in a person’s life as that of grandfather. We have been thoroughly impressed by your commitment to excellence in all of your endeavors, and it is our greatest pleasure to extend this offer to you. If you accept our offer, we will be pleased to send you an application for the paternal position – although we consider the paperwork more of a formality since you have already been pre-approved.

We hope that you seriously consider our proposal. When reviewing our shortlist of candidates, we could not find another man who is more well-suited than you to write us checks for $12; fix our bicycles in your shop/batcave; turn on Matlock re-runs at family gatherings; tell us about the old days when everything was either significantly better or significantly more difficult; vanquish evildoers; carve Thanksgiving turkeys; and drive us to Luby’s for dinner at 3:30 p.m. (in a Batmobile). In return, you will receive two wonderful grandchildren who will silently tolerate your refusal to ever turn on the air conditioner no matter how hot it is when we visit your home. As you can see, this is a real win-win for all parties.

Now, here is where it gets tricky: the two of us are not related, meaning you have to become both of our grandfathers separately. This will require some extra effort on your part. However, we want to make it abundantly clear that we will do whatever is required to make this transition as simple and pain-free as possible.

Thank you very much for your time and consideration. We look forward to calling you our new grandpa in the near future. You are a mountain of a man (a mountain with arms). We believe you will make a mountain of a grandfather (also with arms).

Potential Love,

 

Tristan Hallman & Wendy Cawthon
The Armless Mountains Foundation
“Serving Mankind and Mountainkind Since 2010″

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