Dallas Morning News: Texas Republicans fall in line on debt vote

By TRISTAN HALLMAN

Washington Bureau

WASHINGTON — Following concessions from party leadership, Texas Republicans cast aside their reservations to support Speaker John Boehner’s debt-reduction bill, which narrowly passed the House on Friday night.

Texas Republicans accounted for many of the holdouts who forced Boehner to delay and ultimately tweak his debt bill, which would immediately increase the federal debt ceiling by $900 billion, and cut spending by $917 billion over 10 years…Continue Reading…

Wednesdays with Wendy: Alternate TV Slogans

Usually during the summatime, I have AMC’s Mad Men to save me from summer reruns. Don Draper’s secret double life, secret pregnancies and the occasional historical event to remind the audience that it’s 1963: It’s TV gold. But the show is on hiatus until January 2012, so I’m going to have to make do without it.

In addition to day-drinking and speaking only in vague, dramatic sentences to my co-workers, (“Shut the door,” “What have you done!?”) I’ve put together a list of some of the unused ideas presented by ad agencies for some of America’s favorite brands.

Men’s Warehouse: “You’re gonna like the way you look….unless you’re really unattractive.”

ABC Family: “It’s like ABC, without the hit dramas or comedy shows or news….we have 700 Club!”

Jif Peanut Butter: “Choosey Moms choose All Natural Vegan Almond Butter….but this is cheaper. Cheaper Moms choose JIF.”

Dunkin’ Donuts: “America walks a little slower on Dunkin’.”

Frosted Flakes: Theeeey’rrrrreee mostly corn!”

Taco Bell: “Think outside the Bun…this is the Mexican version of a bun. It’s totally different.”

Secret Deodorant: “Strong enough for a man, made for the mannish woman.”

Eggo Waffles: “Sir, I believe you are mistaken. That is my breakfast pastry. Kindly put it down.”

Band-Aids: “I am stuck on Band-Aid Brand because it’ll hurt too much to take it off.”

L’Oreal: “Because you need it. Just look at yourself.”

Beggin’ Strips: “Your idiot dog will think it’s bacon.”

Hidden Valley Ranch Dressing: “Makes Vegetables Edible.”

Lean Cuisine: “So you can show all your coworkers that you’re clearly counting calories now.”

Just for Men Hair Color: “So you can pick up the younger girls without looking too creepy. Who’s the sad divorcee now? Not you. Not anymore.”

Pringles: “Once you POP, you just can’t stop. Suck it, portion control!”

State Farm Insurance: “Like a good neighbor, State Farm keeps their lawn under control and minds their own damn business.”

Boehner vs. Obama (now with Buscemi eyes!)

This weekend, I came across a fun website that shows what celebrities would look like if they had Steve Buscemi’s eyes. That got me thinking: Imagine how epic the stare down between Barack Obama and John Boehner would be if they both had Steve Buscemi’s eyes.

It would look something like this (the other website did a better job of photoshopping it, but this gets the point across anyway.)

 

 

Monday Madness! (July 25)

Hello, and welcome to Monday Madness, where I took a MegaBus to and from New York City this weekend.

Yes, I got off the bus for awhile and, yes, it was a magical time. Now, feel free to read a Dallas Morning News story that I wrote about a women’s restroom before I left for the weekend.

Let’s get to it.

Quick hits:

  • The New York Subway system has a male voice that tells you in a delightfully chipper — yet somewhat creepy — manner to “Stand clear of the closing doors, please.” That beats the very professional female, “Step back, doors closing” in D.C. any day.
  • Subway stations come out of nowhere in New York. They could be lurking around any corner at any moment. Stay vigilant.
  • For one brief night, I felt like a God thanks to my acquired powers on the MegaBus. For some reason, the light switch at my seat controlled not just my overhead light, but everyone’s overhead lights in my row. Did I abuse this power? Yeah, a little bit.
  • The NFL Lockout is finally over. Just when I thought there wasn’t going to be enough Chad Ochocinco in my life this year. Phew.
  • Roger Goodell should have introduced a priest today to say a variation of those words that Catholics have grown accustomed to hearing before football starts on Sundays: “The Lockout has ended. Let us go in peace. (cue organ music)”
  • Possible NFL Prospect? A Chicago police officer with good hands caught a baby that was thrown at him during an incident.
  • Google+ requires you to use your real name, something a Google executive said was akin to a restaurant requiring a shirt. Better idea: require everyone to wear a shirt in their pictures. I’m looking at you, New Jersey.

This week’s Monday Madness is brought to you by…

Old Spice! Because I use their products due to their awesome commercials, not because they pay me:

They f***ing said it:

“Why Leave A City That Has Six Professional Sports Teams, And Also The Mets?” — An ad in New York City.

“It’s a very charming restroom…” — Read my story, damn it!

“I feel like the NFL and the NFLPA should have agreed on a “No More Brett Favre Clause” – Shawn Hallman

Dallas Morning News: Nearby House ladies’ room no longer just a pipe dream

By TRISTAN HALLMAN

Washington Bureau

WASHINGTON — The women of the U.S. House now have a restroom of their own, a development that female lawmakers from Texas hailed as a long-overdue victory for equality.

The new lavatory opened just off the House floor this week. Before Monday, a quick jaunt to a restroom near the House floor had been a privilege enjoyed only by men. Women had to walk much farther — often in heels — for a restroom break while business was conducted on the House floor…Continue Reading…

Coffee Creamer Review: International Delight’s Cinnabon Creamer

I love flavored coffee creamers, and it bothers me that, while there are plenty of wine, liquor and food reviewers out there, not one coffee creamer reviewer exists on the Internet. So, it is up to me to fill the void.

Today, I will review International Delight’s Cinnabon-flavored coffee creamer.

When I first heard about Cinnabon branching out into coffee creamers, I was utterly repulsed. Cinnabon’s cinnamon rolls are probably some of the most offensive creations known to mankind. They are all size and sugar — frosted bread monstrosities — and they lack delicious cinnamon flavor.

But, at my brother’s suggestion, I picked up International Delight’s concoction. Once I poured it into my coffee, I was internationally delighted. The sugary cardboard taste of a regular Cinnabon was replaced by a delightfully creamy cinnamon flavoring.

This creamer isn’t as strong as CoffeeMate’s Cinnamon Vanilla Cream, but it tastes better. It complements and compliments most medium-to-dark roast coffees. However, lighter roast or weaker coffees can be overpowered by the Cinnabon creamer, so be freakin’ careful.

The creamer can also help cool your coffee to an extent, which comes in handy if you intend to spill it all over your pants on your way to work, like I did recently. Plus, even after you change your pants, your crotch will smell of cinnamon and coffee all day, which, believe it or not, is just fine in the halls of Congress.

If you’re as into flavored coffee creamers as I am (doubtful), then you’ll enjoy Cinnabon’s non-crappiest product on the shelves today. And keep in mind, while prices vary, International Delight creamers are always less expensive than CoffeeMate (maybe International Delight is made in an overseas sweatshop? Eh. Who knows why.).

Wednesdays with Wendy: Billion Dollar Baby

Yesterday during testimony for the British Parliament, Rupert Murdoch got served a slice of humble pie, in the form of a plate of shaving cream to the face. It didn’t go over well.

If someone had tried to slime Rupert Murdoch, it would have been like a '90s Nickelodeon Show all over again. Photo: World Economic Forum

So what have we learned from this? Billionaires are not invincible. They can be pranked as easily as you or I. Well, as easily as you, anyway. Therefore, I’ve compiled this list of billionaires left to be pranked. By working together, we can all take them down a peg. Yes, they’ll still be richer than you or I could ever hope to be (well, you could ever hope, anyway) but they are going to be so embarrassed.

“Wait, Wendy,” you may ask, “didn’t they already do this on Punk’d? Pulling pranks on the rich and famous?”

To this I say, “No, shut up. This is totally different. How’d you get in my apartment? Get out of here.”

After searching through a list of the world’s richest people on Forbes, and then sorting through all the Russian names I couldn’t pronounce, I picked the billionaires deemed to be most pranksworthy.

Bill Gates, still a total nerd.

Bill Gates***: Although Gates is a self-made man as well as a generous philanthropist; let us not forget that he is first and foremost, a nerd. And what’s nerdier that a 55-year-old man who still wets the bed? Not much. At the next Annual Microsoft Sleepover, someone could sneak in while Gates was asleep and carefully place his hand in warm water. It’ll be the most embarrassing thing for him since Windows Vista.

***This prank was originally meant for Warren Buffet, but then I thought it might be a little sad if he didn’t know it was a prank. He’s getting up there in age.

Oprah Winfrey is just asking for her stapler to be put in Jello. Photo: Alan Light

Oprah Winfrey: You guys, Oprah loves pranks. Remember that one time she fooled all those people into getting “free” cars, when really they had to pay all the taxes on them? Or that other time she got all those people to “read” under the phony guise of a “book club?” So it’s only fitting that someone finally play a prank on her. This one will be trickier, you know, because Oprah is O-mnipotent.

This prank should be simple and classic. Something along the lines of putting her stapler in Jello. Hopefully, she’ll be a good sport about it and make cherry Jello one of her new Favorite Things.

Sun-Dried Billionaire Donald Trump Photo: Michele Sandber

Donald Trump: A wise person told me once that if you put Donald Trump’s hairpiece into water, it’ll dissolve. Since I am a fan of urban legends, I would like to know whether this is true. To find out, someone simply needs to break into the Donald’s office at Trump Towers and carefully balance a full bucket of water on top of an open door. When he opens the door, the water will come crashing down, dissolving the hair and rehydrating the face. He’s beginning to look a little like a sun-dried tomato.

Steve Jobs might only own that one outfit. Photo by Mylerdude

Steve Jobs: The Mac Genius has revolutionized the way we listen to music and text, thanks to stupid Auto-Correct for the iPhone. (Maybe I wanted to type “Laaaaaaaaame” and not “Pasadena.”) This grammar-correcting iGeek is no stranger to pranks either. Remember when the iPhone came out and was like $600 but then a few months later they reduced the price? Totally fooled everyone.

Anyway, like Apple products, the prank should be simple and user-friendly. Put a tack on his chair. Make sure it’ll poke through those tough Mom-jeans.

You can't un-tag shame, Mark. You just can't. Photo: David Terrar

Mark Zuckerberg: This sandals-wearing billionaire is still under 30 and is most likely still aware of some of the most popular college pranks. Nevertheless, I propose we wait until he’s asleep and draw our privacy concerns on his face.

Don’t forget to take pictures and tag them on Facebook. Plenty of red cups in the background will make it look like he’s passed out drunk, keeping him from scoring any future job offers. He’s so going to get a phone call from his mom.

 

Wendy Cawthon is a nineteenth-generation person who resides in Texas. She writes her column “Wednesdays with Wendy” for TristanHallman.com every…well, Wednesday. Follow her on Twitter @WendyCawthon.

Spam Mailbag 3: But I don’t like Spam!

Welcome to the latest installment of my Spam Mailbag. I have many a spamfan these days, and they continue to demand my attention. I try to answer as many as I can, but it’s almost impossible to keep up with all of them.

As always, these are real comments from fake people.

I’m solely writing to allow you to know of the bright discovery my wife’s princess loved shopping your blog. She discovered a lot of facts, which include what it’s like to have a superb giving mindset to make the others without situation comprehend selected specialized issues. You actually did more than her desires. I respect you for showing those worthwhile, reliable, explanatory to not point out enjoyable tips about your topic to Gloria.

Dear Spamming Husband,

Who is your wife’s princess? I guess I am glad I did more than her desires, but I am not sure what it is I did. Was I drunk? Was she drunk? Are you sure you’re at the right website? You said she bought something, right? I don’t think I am selling anything. I mean, I will have to check again, but I am pretty sure. Well, anyway, tell Gloria I said that…she’s….welcome?

Thanks for spamming.

Yo , I am making a new site almost like wikipedia and I think some of your articles would fit the style good. Would you let me copy this article?

Yo, website-making spambot,

You mean my articles would fit the style well. But I am afraid I am going to need more information about your site before I allow you to take my articles. There is already a Wikipedia, and it is doing quite well. Plus, my blog is nothing like Wikipedia, so I am not sure what it is you are doing. Please get back to me and we’ll discuss this further at another time.

Thanks for spamming.

Jesus, somebody call ma, really love this blog :-) ! But hey bud, I got some bad news, you’re really missing out of a lot of visitors. I’m a blogger myself and I spend a lot of time making and reading them, ones like Tristan Hallman | Front Page Famous. I recently got a new tool and it’s done *wonders* to my entire business, this crazy thing is SO much more powerful and better. It’s only been a week but my revenue has gone up to $258.11 $$CASH$$, all in one day! So want me to do you a favor? Ok, here’s my big secret, where I learned all my tricks: –>>(LINK DELETED BY TRISTAN) <– Just giving your site a look I can tell you’ll probably pull in a couple hundred bucks a month if you just spend a few minutes tweaking some stuff. Damn, I feel like I just made someone’s day today. But keep it a secret! I don’t want too many people using it. Jean Wosepka

Dear…Jean Wosepka (if that is your real name),

Hey bud, I got some bad news for you too. I am just not interested in your “tool” or your “big secret” or your “tricks” or “tweaking some stuff.” Especially when there is money involved. What kind of guy do you think I am? I am calling the police and the vice squad.

Thanks for spamming.

I lost so much money during the 2000s this doesn’t shock me!

The last few years have been tough times for the spamming industry

Dear destitute spambot,

We’re really not far from the 2000s. Do you need financial assistance? Maybe you could talk to the spammer above who is getting $258.11 $$CASH$$ in one day. He seems to be doing well. Or you could use whatever money you have left on this guy I know — a Nigerian. Says he’s a prince and he just needs some money upfront to claim his millions in inheritance. Sounds legit to me.

Then again, you clearly still have a computer and Internet access unless you are at a public library, so you are probably doing okay. Either way, you sound a little…off. I don’t want you to lose control. Just stay calm. It’s just money, right?

Thanks for spamming.

The new Zune browser is surprisingly good, but not as good as the iPod’s. It works well, but isn’t as fast as Safari, and has a clunkier interface. If you occasionally plan on using the web browser that’s not an issue, but if you’re planning to browse the web alot from your PMP then the iPod’s larger screen and better browser may be important.

Dear iPod-hocking spambot,

As a proudly oblivious Zune owner, please go away. Also, why does the iPod have a browser now? What’s the point? Just get an iTouch or an iPad. Or, better yet, get an iLife and stop focusing so heavily on the slight differences in screen size between two products.

Thanks for spamming.

I dont agree I think all paths lead to rome

Dear disagreeing spambot,

Not many paths actually lead to Rome

I have to say, I am astonished at your conclusion. Rome, in Italy, is no longer the center of the world. In fact, most paths in the United States, Canada, Mexico and a host of other nations don’t come anywhere close to Rome. There is a lot of ocean there. If you are speaking more metaphorically, I can tell you with absolute confidence that you are an idiot.

And speaking of astonishment…

Its astonishinghow much more attention I get from the opposite sex now that I own a Challenger!

Dear Challenger-owning spambot,

You probably get a lot of attention because you won’t shut up about it. I invite you to my blog and all you do is talk about your car. Anyway, challengers are cool-looking cars, but if a woman likes you for your car alone, she is probably not right for you. Especially since you’re a spambot. You need to start making some more positive, less materialistic changes in your life to become a better fake person.

Thanks for spamming.

Howdy! I read your blog every morning, just after I water my plants :-)

An artist's rendering of what this spambot might look like

Dear plant-watering spambot,

Thank you very much for making my blog part of your morning routine. However, I should warn you that I don’t write on my blog every single day. You might actually be reading the same post that you read the morning before, especially on weekends. I know it’s easy to lose track of these things, what with your plants needing daily water and all, but perhaps if you subscribed to my blog, you would save some time.

Besides, shouldn’t you be working in the morning? Or at least getting ready for work? Or looking for work?

Thanks for spamming, and howdy to you as well.

Are you serious?

Yes, I am always serious. Always. That’s why I created this blog. For serious things.

Thanks for spamming.

Monday Madness (July 18)

Good evening everyone and welcome to Monday Madness, where my roommates finally stopped stir-frying long enough to allow me to get to the oven to cook my frozen pizza.

First things first, a story that I wrote made the front page of The Dallas Morning News on Saturday (As always, subscription required).
I also wrote three stories about light bulbs, including this one, since last Sunday (subscription actually not required).

And, among other things, I wrote about a former Texas congressman who stole photos from The Dallas Morning News in the 1970s and about the congressional baseball game. An newer version of the former will be in print tomorrow.

Quick Hits:

  • Borders is finally giving up and liquidating, which is horrible news. But the good news will be if there is a massive clearance sale at the Borders in Silver Spring. That’s how I got “Whiter Shade of Pale” by Christian Lander for pennies on the dollar.
  • My brother is right about Taco Bell’s hot sauce packets: They are too friendly. They need to at least take a more business casual approach.
  • James Harrison is a crazy person. Not only did he trash his teammates for no apparent reason, he threatened to retire early when he was fined by the NFL for some dirty hits with his helmet and even said this, according to ESPN: “And if my agent hadn’t have said, ‘You’ll have to pay back six mill,’ I’d've been out the game and not looked back.” Ah yes, so it’s all about the money and injuring people. Nothing about your teammates or trying to win or be the best? No? Very good then.
  • C-SPAN hosts must be the world’s most unflappable people. Watch them on call-in shows and you will see what I mean.
  • I can’t figure out why Subway and Quizno’s have released competing pulled pork barbecue sandwiches out of the blue, but I am all for it.
  • I don’t think Justin Timberlake or Mila Kunis should be allowed to promote their new movie since it already came out a few months ago and starred Natalie Portman and Ashton Kutcher. Was there a rift on the set of Black Swan that created this debacle?
  • Speaking of movie promotions, there is a convenience store in College Park that still has “Fever Pitch” promotional posters in its window.

This Week’s Monday Madness is brought to you by…

Planking! Because one overused Internet meme deserves another (Yes, I made this poster):

 

They f***ing said it:

“Investigators say the thieves likely knew they were cutting into a live hot-wire but did it anyway,” from an AP Story about copper wire thieves, who are apparently also morons.

“He’s clearly one of the intellectual uncles of the Tea Party movement, and that bunch clearly has many Republican politicians crying uncle.” — Ross Ramsey on Ron Paul in The Texas Tribune.

In closing, I would like to request that you please do your best to avoid tin-ear clichés about barbecue, cattle, oil, football, and the Alamo. Remember, this is an urban state of 25 million people. We don’t go to sleep at night dreaming of William Barret Travis drawing a line in the sand.” — Paul Burka instructing journalists on how to cover Rick Perry.

“If you really want to know what a campaign’s up to, follow the buttons… follow the buttons,” — James Armstrong, who received a Perry for President button by mistake after ordering a Perry for Governor 2010 button.

Bad Behavior has blocked 55 access attempts in the last 7 days.