Wednesdays with Wendy: Glassplosion!

For every young woman making the transition into adulthood, there comes a time when we accidentally blow up something in the kitchen whilst attempting to cook.

For me, this time was at approximately 11:25 p.m. last night. While trying to make a cup of tea before going to sleep, I accidentally turned on the wrong oven burner. It’s not the first time I’ve done it, and it probably won’t be the last.

However, this particular time the wrong oven burner was under a glass tray of brownies that my roommate had made the night before.

Brownies anyone?

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Forgetting Middle School

You may think that things suck now and wish for a simpler time. Everyone does at some point. But you’re forgetting something horrible from your past: middle school.

Known to some as “junior high,” middle school is the most awkward time of anyone’s life. It’s puberty to the max – rapidly changing bodies, deepening voices, strange urges and emotions, and stupid brains.

You had no car, no job, no money, you were the slowest kid on the baseball team until your growth spurt hit, and you would get in trouble for not covering your textbooks or for playfully writing to a friend, “go screw yourself” in a note that your teacher found.

Perhaps you don’t remember middle school that way. That’s called repression, and it’s not healthy.

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Monday Madness (The post-hurricane edition!)

Welcome to Monday Madness, the safest place to be after a hurricane.

The big news of the weekend in New York turned out to be a dud. When I woke up yesterday morning, Irene was gone. I’m actually not sure if she was ever here.

Yes, there are a few signs that Hurricane Irene paid a visit to my neighborhood last night – a few puddles and a leaning potted plant on our rooftop – but the remnants here in New York looked a lot more like what we refer to in Texas as “a storm.” (Or, I should say, what we used to refer to as a storm before the drought started.)

Now I have to drink all of these bottles of water, and then take the empty bottles back to Rite Aid to get my “bottle deposit” back. It’s a weird thing they have in New York to incentivize recycling. Yeah, it was only $1.20, but I’m a grad student now. I need any cash I can get.

Quick Hits:

  • Speaking of cash, New York seems to be the one city where cash is still king. Normally, I’m suspicious of restaurants that don’t take debit cards. What is this, 1994?
  • Speaking of 1994, my Internet connection is actually running at speeds comparable to dial-up on most days. Turns out that using slow Internet is more frustrating than not using the Internet at all.
  • I am now officially bored about debates over how the Drudge Report is designed. It works, people. Exceedingly well. Even when my Internet is slow. Its brilliance is its simplicity. Calm down, accept it, and move on.
  • I am also bored by Lady Gaga. Until she does what Wendy suggested and dons an actual gay man as her next awards-show dress, it’s just not interesting anymore. I see far more shocking things on the subway every day.
  • Why is it still ESPN.go.com? Sure, Go.com is owned by Disney and whatnot, but have you ever visited that site? There is nothing there. It’s like a vacant lot with a few Disney street vendors quietly and politely asking if you’d like to buy some merchandise.
  • The Dallas Cowboys cut Andre Gurode. Still worse for Gurode? That time Albert Haynesworth stomped on Gurode’s head and cut the Cowboys center’s forehead open. See? Things could be worse.
  • I am beginning to see ads promoting “Moneyball,” which is a movie that stars Brad Pitt as Oakland Athletics General Manager Billy Beane. Is this a prelude to a presidential bid by Beane? Probably not, but read my case for Beane and others by clicking here.
  • Ever notice how “Gentleman’s Quarterly” is a lot like a “Gentleman’s Club” in that both seem most interested in promoting scantily clad women? We’re only a few years away from “gentleman” meaning “manwhore.” This is not a positive development for many actual gentlemen.
  • Hebrew National has the best grocery scam going these days. Seven hot dogs in a pack? Well, you can’t let that last hot dog bun go to waste. You’ll have to buy another pack of hot dogs.

This week’s Monday Madness is brought to you by…

This Hurricane never showed up at an appointment in Manhattan. It is feared dead.

One more thought: It’s interesting how the news media seemingly came to the realization today that, “oh yeah, that hurricane affected other areas that aren’t in New York City!” Or, at least, “oh yeah, there are areas outside of New York City!”

They f***ing said it

“Disasters bring out the best in Geraldo. His mustache is fully erect and ready.” – My dad, Scott Hallman, on Geraldo Rivera.

“It doesn’t taste great,” TV reporter Tucker Barnes after being covered in raw sewage while covering the hurricane.

“It’s so obvious The Weather Channel is pro hurricane. Fair and balanced my ass.” – Jim Gaffigan on Twitter.

Irene the Cougarricane

Boring!

I have never experienced a hurricane, but that could change soon — Irene is giving me the eye from across the country, if you catch my drift.

I am actually bored by the hurricane already. Why? Because this hurricane isn’t new — it’s a re-run. There was a “Hurricane Irene” during the hurricane seasons of 1981, 1999 and 2005. Lame! (Where is Hurricane Ignatius or Hurricane Igby or Hurricane Icabod Crane?)

But there definitely is a cause for concern. This land-binge is a cry for help. Like a desperate, thrice-divorced cougar, Irene is back on the market and ready to roll through town, picking up anything she can and leaving behind nothing but destruction and confusion.

It’s sad, really. Mother Nature must be going through a tropical depression watching her child run amok like this. “I raised Irene better than this,” Mother Nature must be saying to herself.

I personally hope that Irene pulls herself together and just lies low for awhile. Still, I’m not counting on it. In preparation, I bought bottles of water and pop tarts and a frozen pizza. I’m set.

So fear not for me. Worry about Irene. She’s on a dangerous path, and who knows where she’ll go or what she’ll look like once she reaches the other side.

Wednesdays with Wendy: Things I Refuse to Grow Out Of

The first classes of my senior year start next week, and I recently took some time to think about how much of an adult I’ve become since the week before my first classes of freshman year.

I pay many of my own bills now, and what I don’t pay I’ve successfully delegated to my parents. I also use words like “delegate” as a part of my basic vocabulary. In addition to that, I can converse on the phone with banks and insurance agencies while maintaining a sense of knowing what I’m talking about.

EDITOR'S NOTE: What was that female character's name again?

However, immediately after patting myself on the back, I realized how many things I have yet to grow out of. And being the practical person I am, I’ve realized I’m too old to change. I’m 21 and three quarters and clearly set in my ways.

In many ways, I may never grow up. (Insert Peter Pan joke here.)

So I’ve put together (yet another) list of things I’ll never grow out of:

Children’s cereals: Let’s face it, adult cereals are disgusting. Stop trying to trick me into eating fiber! I don’t want it! I’m tired of pretending to like oats when all I really want are Crunch Berries. I will forever continue buying brightly colored boxes of fun-shaped sugar grains and I will forever be finding the prize and the bottom of the box before you can get to it.

I still maintain the belief that Crunch Berries should qualify as fruit.

My inability to do my own taxes: Alright, here’s the deal. Dad, if you’re reading this, I have a proposition for you: I will continue to pretend to offer to learn how to do my own taxes, if you’ll continue to actually do them for me until I can afford an accountant. Deal? Deal.

Children’s sized utensils and dishware: Sometimes I like to feel very dainty. And the kid’s dishes at IKEA are cuter than the adult ones. I’m okay with it.

The pink blanket I’ve had since my birth: It’s not a baby blanket if it still covers my feet. And it’s not a security blanket if it’s not bulletproof.

After some serious thought, I’ve decided that someday my own children will either love me because of all the things we have in common, or resent me because I eat their cereal out of their favorite bowls.

Wendy Cawthon is a journalist, a college student and a Toys-R-Us Kid. Her regular column, Wednesdays with Wendy, appear here every…Wednesday.

EARTHQUAKE!

So, there was finally a shake-up in D.C. Based on low disapproval ratings for Congress, I saw this coming from a mile away.

What’s that, you say? An earthquake? Well, that is quite different. And it was felt in New York as well? That’s news to me. I felt nothing. Nothing.

My sister believes the earthquake’s presence in both places only proves that the earth was trying to at least tickle me with soft vibrations. Still, even if the earthquake had arrived, I think I could have taken it. Yes, that’s a challenge.

For a preview of the matchup that should be the greatest since Joe vs. The Volcano, let’s go to the Tale of the Tape:

***************Earthquakes************** *****Nickname: The Seismic Wonder****** *Scale namesake: Comedian Andy Richter* *Claim to Fame: Unspeakable Horrors* *Signature Move: "The Shake 'n' Shake"* *******Reach: 400 miles (apparently)******* ********X-Factor: Is an earthquake********

*****Tristan Hallman****** *Nickname: "That Guy"* *****Namesake: character from a book****** ******Claim to "Fame": Journalism****** ****Signature Move: The Hard High-Five**** ****Reach: 3 or 4 feet*** ****X-Factor: Once slept through an earthquake****

 

 

 VS.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Monday Madness! (Aug. 22)

Hello there, and welcome to Monday Madness, where threats of fines for litterbugs clearly stop nobody in New York.

That’s right, in case you didn’t read my post yesterday, I am in New York City now. So, that’s a good time. I do miss D.C., especially after watching All the Presidents Men for the first time in two years (and recognizing every place they went in D.C.), but I am enjoying the new adventure so far.

Here are some of my links from my last week at The Dallas Morning News D.C. bureau: Horses worse off since Congress stopped slaughter for meat in the U.S., report says. (That one appeared in The Boston Herald, the Sacramento Beeand a few others. Those don’t require subscriptions. Hint hint.); Out-of-state university plates find few fans among Texas drivers; Perry provides a boost for the button business; Dallas Rep. Jeb Hensarling to help lead committee on spending cuts; and Rep. Michael Burgess clarifies comments about possible Obama impeachment.

Subscription required. Enjoy. Now, let’s resume:

Quick hits:

  • First of all, a big shout-out to my brother Shawn, who just went through a harrowing ordeal and came out with a few bruises. Glad you’re okay, buddy. I’ve been there.
  • I was apparently mentioned in the recent St. Edward’s commencement speech in August as someone who is accomplishing things. I’ve only been out of school for three months! Flattering, but I think they can probably wait.
  • I sometimes imagine that the disembodied male voice of the NYC Subway (transit system, not the restaurant) and the disembodied female voice have a sexual tension between them. I mean, they are trying to keep it professional, but when you work that closely together, what are two disembodied voices to do? (“Staaand clear of the closing doooors, please!”)
  • Even though I am now in grad school for journalism, I feel so disconnected from the news now. Who has time to read the news while reporting it?
  • If you charge for drink refills, your restaurant probably sucks. Good rule of thirsty thumb.
  • Somewhere, William Shatner is probably shouting: “dominiquestraussKAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHNNNNNN!!!!”
  • Is it weird that I think Deron Williams is a jerk because he hogs the ball in NBA 2K11?
  • I just realized I will be in New York during football season. That should be awesome since I hate the Jets and the Giants. Then again, I also hate the Yankees. And the Mets. Why did I come here?!
  • Tomorrow, I will learn how to make a WordPress blog. Ahem. Thank God this is only orientation.

This week’s Monday Madness is brought to you by….

Garfield Minus Garfield! I’ve always enjoyed that site, but thanks to Wendy of “Wednesdays with…” fame for finding that link from 2008 for me.

They f***ing said it:

No quotes this week. Sorry. I’m too tired and, again, disconnected from the news. They will return next week. I promise. In the meantime, enjoy this photo that I plan to use again to denote these posts are over:

That's all, folks! Back to work....on my phonograph...

The New York Chronicles: Oh, the things that I have seen…

The next 16 months have begun. After driving from Washington to Austin, I flew to New York City to begin grad school.

Here was how much I drove:


View Larger Map

Yes, it was a long, long, long drive. But I got to: laugh at the actually depressing “Hungry Mother Park”; wonder why every county in Virginia is a “Certified Business Location”; get angry at my GPS for telling me that the gas station is only 1 mile away when it’s actually 6 miles; and visit the upper left-hand corner of Georgia.

But now I am in New York. In my time here — less than a full week — I have already seen things I never could have imagined. For instance….

A “Meat Plan”

No, this isn’t like your insurance plan. There is no co-pay for meat. A local butcher offers about 20 different “Meat Plans,” which is just bundled meats. It would be a good way to save money, except all of the plans include things that I don’t want — pig feet, cow tongue, beef liver, etc.

Boxers with the NYC Subway Map printed on them!

For the low, low, cost of $30, you can own a pair of boxers that have the map of the NYC Subway system on them. You know, just in case you get lost and need to drop trou to find out where you are going.

Dodging people in the subway

Sure, I did some of this in D.C., but it’s a different experience with the oddly-laid-out subways here. Subway dodging has become a sport for me, what with all of the juking, running, spin moves, sudden stops, etc. I think LaDainian Tomlinson would be wise to use the subway system to get in shape in the offseason.

An NYPD officer forcefully asking a homeless guy to step away from his cart that was draped in blankets

I briskly walked to the other side of the platform. I turned around and saw about four other people following me at a slightly faster pace.

A couple breaking up inside a Dunkin Donuts

Is there a better place to break up with your ex-con significant other who has been cheating on you than a Dunkin Donuts? Probably. But hey, at least you both get a donut, right?

By the way, I know he was an ex-con because of this exchange:

Guy: Who told you that? Who up there knows me?!

Gal: Idunno, one of your friends from jail?!

Guy: I don’t know anyone from jail who lives up there!

The streets flooding when it rains

It turns out, I don’t have to walk to the Harlem River. It will come to me.

$6 for three plastic clotheshangers

That’s what my nearest Rite Aid charges. I walked a few more blocks to Target and got 18 hangers for $3.

Watching my building super get pissed because the contractor flushed grout down our toilet

Our bathroom flooded, our shower flooded, the gym downstairs had water running down the walls. Just an all-around bad idea if you’re a contractor.

Carrying more than 100 pounds of groceries and household products back to apartment, then realizing there are $30 portable carts I can buy.

There is always next time. Also, those six blocks are a lot further away on the trip back than on the walk to Target.

A bajillion episodes of The Larry Sanders Show

That number is rounded-up. But, since I don’t have cable but do have Netflix, I have continuously enjoyed the intellectual precursor to 30 Rock, Arrested Development, and Curb Your Enthusiasm. Don’t believe me? Just ask Wendy of “Wednesdays with Wendy” fame. She knows. She. Knows.

And this….

A rooftop view of Harlem facing downtown New York

Wednesdays with Wendy: How I Spent My Summer Vacation

Summer is almost over, you guys. Well, not really — technically there’s still another month before the first day of autumn. But the school year will be starting soon, which means summer’s dead to me now.

Anyway, the point I’m trying to make is that soon students will head back to the classroom, eager to share how they spent the last three months.

At the beginning of every school year, whether I’m asked to or not, I write an essay on how I spent my summer vacation.

As our culture becomes more and more image-oriented, it’s important to use the best medium to capture the attention of your audience. That being said, instead of summing up my accomplishments of the summer in essay form, this year I’ve chosen to create a easy-to-understand chart using a site created by what I can only guess is the world’s best middle school teacher.

So here goes, pay no mind to the distorted appearance, that’s just your brain adjusting to pie in chart form:

*Author’s Note: .5% of time was spent trying to make this pie chart.

Dallas Morning News: Perry provides a boost for button sales

By TRISTAN HALLMAN

Staff Writer

Pitching himself as the presidential candidate who best knows how to create jobs, Rick Perry has some new ammo: Some online political merchandise vendors credit the governor for boosting their business. Mark Merthe, owner of American Method, a website in California, said its sales of Perry gear have more than….Continue Reading on The Dallas Morning News

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