Monday Madness! (on America’s birthday!)

Welcome to the July 4 edition of Monday Madness! I’d promise fireworks in this week’s blog, but, unfortunately, there is a burn ban in effect. You have to expect the occasional droughts in this series of tubes known as the Internets.

Two of my stories ran in the Dallas Morning News during the weekend that you may have missed because you stopped reading newspapers and focused on a steady diet of Perez Hilton and YouTube videos.

Here they are: the first one and the second one (subscription required).

Now, for the rest of the business.

Quick Hits:

  • Nobody from the Nationals has contacted me yet regarding the managerial job. I may switch my focus to becoming the new Los Angeles Dodgers owner instead. Now, I just need some investors….
  • There was a short blurb in Express on Friday explaining that firefighters had to remove a man’s hand from his gas tank. He apparently stuck it in there because “someone” put an unwrapped Snickers bar in the tank and he was trying to retrieve it. And then the story ended! It’s crying for more reporting! So many unanswered questions.
  • It’s a good thing Google+ came along because I always hoped a company with an even more atrocious privacy record would challenge Facebook in social media.
  • Speaking of social media, keep an eye on MySpace.com. Newscorp has been trying to sell it and the asking price continues to drop. If it goes low enough, you might be able to buy yourself a nice antique domain name. It could be a great conversation piece.
  • I am going to see Little Richard later today. If Bruno Mars grew a mustache, he would be a creepier Little Richard. And that is just not okay.
  • I hope they lightened Jimmy Smits’ caffeine intake today. Last year, he was practically ready to explode.

This week’s Monday Madness is brought to you by…

Great Moments in Snow Cone History!

(Because I don’t have any real sponsors)

The signing of the Declaration of Independence. (It was summer, and hot, and Benjamin Franklin loved his sweets.)

They f***ing said it:

“I didn’t know then what I have learned since. That America always has been better than its government, that its people have always been more decent than their presidents and that the strength and greatness of this nation lies in them, the men and women who are not great and who never will be.” — Roger Simon.

“America is the Marcia Brady of the global community. Everyone remembers her birthday, but not the birthdays of other countries. Also, America gets hit in the nose with a football and asked out on lots of dates by hunks. Happy birthday, Jan Botswana!” — Carly Hallman on America’s birthday.

“Happy 4th of July” — Just about everyone today. Have a good one.

Great Moments in Snow Cone History: The Moon Landing

My friend Chris was the one who drew the original rendering of this moonunmental moment in snow cone history:

During one of the shaved-iciest years of the Cold War, Apollo 11, a lunar snow cone rocket, touched down on the moon's surface on July 21, 1969. Some conspiracy theorists believe that there is no way a giant snow cone could have made it to the moon and back without melting into sugary flavored juice and that the landing was faked by the United States government and Hollywood. Those people should be shunned. SHUNNED!

A glorious moment indeed. It was one small step for man, one giant leap for snow cone fanatics.

It should also be noted that no evidence of extraterrestrial snow cones has ever been found…yet.

Great Moments in Snow Cone History: The sinking of the Titanic

Today, I start my road trip to Washington, D.C., to begin a new summer job at the Dallas Morning News Washington Bureau. Now seems as good of a time as any to relive a past summer job experience.

After I graduated high school, I worked with my friend Chris at a snow cone stand during the summer. All of the walls were made of dry erase board. During a slow period one day, I began a mural on the wall of “Great Moments in Snow Cone History.” (Some of the great moments were also dark moments in human history). Within a few days, Chris and I had covered the walls with our interpretations of historic moments.

Here is a re-creation of the first historical illustration I did:

On April 15, 1912, the RMS Titanic sank after the ship hit a shaved iceberg. There is still a dispute over which flavor the snow cone might have been. Some believe the snow cone was a tropical flavor such as pineapple, while others insist that it was Ocean Water flavor. Thousands died.

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