Spam Mailbag 3: But I don’t like Spam!

Welcome to the latest installment of my Spam Mailbag. I have many a spamfan these days, and they continue to demand my attention. I try to answer as many as I can, but it’s almost impossible to keep up with all of them.

As always, these are real comments from fake people.

I’m solely writing to allow you to know of the bright discovery my wife’s princess loved shopping your blog. She discovered a lot of facts, which include what it’s like to have a superb giving mindset to make the others without situation comprehend selected specialized issues. You actually did more than her desires. I respect you for showing those worthwhile, reliable, explanatory to not point out enjoyable tips about your topic to Gloria.

Dear Spamming Husband,

Who is your wife’s princess? I guess I am glad I did more than her desires, but I am not sure what it is I did. Was I drunk? Was she drunk? Are you sure you’re at the right website? You said she bought something, right? I don’t think I am selling anything. I mean, I will have to check again, but I am pretty sure. Well, anyway, tell Gloria I said that…she’s….welcome?

Thanks for spamming.

Yo , I am making a new site almost like wikipedia and I think some of your articles would fit the style good. Would you let me copy this article?

Yo, website-making spambot,

You mean my articles would fit the style well. But I am afraid I am going to need more information about your site before I allow you to take my articles. There is already a Wikipedia, and it is doing quite well. Plus, my blog is nothing like Wikipedia, so I am not sure what it is you are doing. Please get back to me and we’ll discuss this further at another time.

Thanks for spamming.

Jesus, somebody call ma, really love this blog :-) ! But hey bud, I got some bad news, you’re really missing out of a lot of visitors. I’m a blogger myself and I spend a lot of time making and reading them, ones like Tristan Hallman | Front Page Famous. I recently got a new tool and it’s done *wonders* to my entire business, this crazy thing is SO much more powerful and better. It’s only been a week but my revenue has gone up to $258.11 $$CASH$$, all in one day! So want me to do you a favor? Ok, here’s my big secret, where I learned all my tricks: –>>(LINK DELETED BY TRISTAN) <– Just giving your site a look I can tell you’ll probably pull in a couple hundred bucks a month if you just spend a few minutes tweaking some stuff. Damn, I feel like I just made someone’s day today. But keep it a secret! I don’t want too many people using it. Jean Wosepka

Dear…Jean Wosepka (if that is your real name),

Hey bud, I got some bad news for you too. I am just not interested in your “tool” or your “big secret” or your “tricks” or “tweaking some stuff.” Especially when there is money involved. What kind of guy do you think I am? I am calling the police and the vice squad.

Thanks for spamming.

I lost so much money during the 2000s this doesn’t shock me!

The last few years have been tough times for the spamming industry

Dear destitute spambot,

We’re really not far from the 2000s. Do you need financial assistance? Maybe you could talk to the spammer above who is getting $258.11 $$CASH$$ in one day. He seems to be doing well. Or you could use whatever money you have left on this guy I know — a Nigerian. Says he’s a prince and he just needs some money upfront to claim his millions in inheritance. Sounds legit to me.

Then again, you clearly still have a computer and Internet access unless you are at a public library, so you are probably doing okay. Either way, you sound a little…off. I don’t want you to lose control. Just stay calm. It’s just money, right?

Thanks for spamming.

The new Zune browser is surprisingly good, but not as good as the iPod’s. It works well, but isn’t as fast as Safari, and has a clunkier interface. If you occasionally plan on using the web browser that’s not an issue, but if you’re planning to browse the web alot from your PMP then the iPod’s larger screen and better browser may be important.

Dear iPod-hocking spambot,

As a proudly oblivious Zune owner, please go away. Also, why does the iPod have a browser now? What’s the point? Just get an iTouch or an iPad. Or, better yet, get an iLife and stop focusing so heavily on the slight differences in screen size between two products.

Thanks for spamming.

I dont agree I think all paths lead to rome

Dear disagreeing spambot,

Not many paths actually lead to Rome

I have to say, I am astonished at your conclusion. Rome, in Italy, is no longer the center of the world. In fact, most paths in the United States, Canada, Mexico and a host of other nations don’t come anywhere close to Rome. There is a lot of ocean there. If you are speaking more metaphorically, I can tell you with absolute confidence that you are an idiot.

And speaking of astonishment…

Its astonishinghow much more attention I get from the opposite sex now that I own a Challenger!

Dear Challenger-owning spambot,

You probably get a lot of attention because you won’t shut up about it. I invite you to my blog and all you do is talk about your car. Anyway, challengers are cool-looking cars, but if a woman likes you for your car alone, she is probably not right for you. Especially since you’re a spambot. You need to start making some more positive, less materialistic changes in your life to become a better fake person.

Thanks for spamming.

Howdy! I read your blog every morning, just after I water my plants :-)

An artist's rendering of what this spambot might look like

Dear plant-watering spambot,

Thank you very much for making my blog part of your morning routine. However, I should warn you that I don’t write on my blog every single day. You might actually be reading the same post that you read the morning before, especially on weekends. I know it’s easy to lose track of these things, what with your plants needing daily water and all, but perhaps if you subscribed to my blog, you would save some time.

Besides, shouldn’t you be working in the morning? Or at least getting ready for work? Or looking for work?

Thanks for spamming, and howdy to you as well.

Are you serious?

Yes, I am always serious. Always. That’s why I created this blog. For serious things.

Thanks for spamming.

Spam Mailbag 2: More Spammers, More Answers

Things have been busy lately, but I always have time to respond to some spam comments. It’s the least I can do for my loyal robo-readers.

As always, these are real spam comments from fake people.

(Also, I had two Trail Blazers posts today, if you are interested — http://t.co/2bLd6p6 and http://t.co/Q4VJJa2)

See the latest Xbox 360 Games and Contollers at (link removed) so don’t be a complete loser and surf over there and check them out!

Sincerely,

Donald Trump
Yeah, and thats my real hair.

Dear Donald Trump,

In just a few weeks time, you went from near the top of the polls in the Republican presidential primary to hocking X-Box games on my blog. Are you still so proud of yourself now?

But really, Mr. Trump, it is an honor that you visited my blog. But the fact of the matter is that I am a PlayStation 3 kind of guy. X-Box just isn’t my thing. If that makes me a loser, so be it. You’ll just have to fire me.

And I’m not touching the hair. I mean, whatever that is could eat my hand.

Thanks for spamming.

WARNING THIS MESSAGE IS FOR THE WEBMASTER : First of all i am not spamming you : ****.PLEASE PAY ATTENTION FOR THE FOLLOWING Dude you really need to do something about your SEO , you will be needing a lots of backlinks , i know its frustrating to ask for a link exchange with somebody reading emails ands that s**** , i know a way to do it for for free -> here you go http://www.9oul.com/247 this site will give you a daily 50 backlinks .if you LOVE to get the best SEO TOOLS then check this out http://9oul.com/imnuke i am a member there i tell you man this is the best S*** i have ever seen .Here is Another Surprise for you do you wanna get free tottaly free bookmarks ? i do :) get them here http://www.9oul.com/ADR .You are maybe asking why does he posting this here : the truth i like your site and iam addicted to it ,so i liked to help you out :) thats shit to find your blog on the 5th page of google :( hope this will message will help you out.last thing if you like to have some free courses on online marketing take a look here http://9oul.com for the last tricks and news on online marketing . hope you goodluck with your future work lets keep in touch , to contact me use the contact form on my site

Dear “Not Spamming” spambot,

You need to calm the f*** down. Based on the frantic nature of your writing and your insistence on selling me something, I have a feeling that you are addicted to more than just my website. I would recommend talking to someone and checking yourself into rehab. You seem to be on a destructive path, and I don’t think my SEO is the problem. Seek help.

Cocaine is a helluva drug, even for spambots.

Also, dude, please don’t flood your messages to me with emoticons — especially before we have even met in person. Frankly, I find it a little creepy.

Thanks for spamming.

Man if i ever saw two racoons fighting over a blogs itd be this one, nicely done my friend. Keep it up.

Dear back-handed compliment spammer,

Raccoons are known to fight over garbage. This is the most sarcastic spam comment that I have ever received.

Thanks for spamming. Jerk.

I just now have out of quick sleep and i’m currently examining your web site. This indicates a little something! Certainly valuable concepts. Thanks!

Dear wide-awake spambot,

First of all, I feel as if I must advise you that little is gained from a “quick sleep.” While I certainly appreciate you jumping out of bed to read my blog for “valuable concepts,” I think you ought to have a cup of coffee and ease into your day a little bit more.

Secondly, the idea that you are “examining” my site gives me The Williams (proper name for “The Willies”). When I think of an “examination,” I tend to think probing and latex gloves are involved. I hope this is not the case, but I suspect that it is. I don’t care how valuable the concept might be, please don’t touch.

Thanks for spamming.

What a lovely blog page. I’ll definitely be back. Please maintain writing!

Dear idealistic spammer,

Thank you very much for your kind words. However, maintaining the entire concept of writing may be too difficult a task for one man to handle. I will do my best to maintain my own writing and make sure that the words that I type don’t collect rust, but I cannot assure you that I will maintain the state of writing in the world as a whole.

Thanks for spamming.

exceptional singing! Thanks!In internet site my family I am just very happy ! As well as a, I’m surely honored The quiet overall world

useful 70′s music! Thanks for your time!To make the addition of us all I am only happy ! And, I’m surely privileged The beautiful international

Dear music-loving spammers,

….what?

Thanks for spamming.

Your thoughts and opinions help me see the light. Thanks.

Dear light-seeing spammer,

I apologize that my thoughts and opinions have killed you. Had I read this in time, I could have advised you not to run toward the light and to hang on for maybe a few more years. I feel as lousy as Eminem in the music video for Stan right now. I hope you enjoyed reading my blog and I hope you are resting in peace.

Thanks for spamming.

the new xmen movie kicks ass!

Dear X-Men promoting spammer,

Kelsey Grammar as Beast was my favorite X-Men casting decision of all time. Baby I hear the blues are callin' mutants and scrambled eggs. Quite stylish...

According to Rottentomatoes.com, you are correct. The movie does “kick ass.” While I would like to watch it, I have not yet. So I cannot verify the accuracy of your statement. And speaking of superheros….

Wow, what a blog! I mean, you just have so considerably guts to go ahead and tell it like it is. Youre what blogging needs, an open minded superhero who isnt afraid to tell it like it’s. This is absolutely something people must be up on. Excellent luck within the future, man.

Thank you. I have long thought of myself as an open-minded superhero who tells it like it is. There are times when I fight crime with open-mindedness and veracity in my blog, and nobody says a word. No, “Thank you, Hall-Man! You have saved us again,” or any “Hall-Man, what would we do without you?” Ingrates. Words cannot adequately describe how frustrating that is, so your computer-generated words mean more to me than you could possibly understand. Now I just need a Chad Kroeger song written about my plight, and I will be set. Excellent luck within the future to you too.

Thanks for spamming.

Spam Mailbag: I answer my spam commenters

Since I started this website, I have received an incredible amount of spam comments because I hadn’t yet activated my Akismet key. Big mistake. Now everything should be okay.

Some of the spam comments, however, were quite amusing. So I responded to a select few spam comments in this mailbag edition of my blog:

DID YOU KNOW?! Only royalty in ancient Egypt could afford to send and receive spam mail due to the high cost of spam messenger services

“Do you guys think that there will be a dubstep stage at Electric Daisy Carnival: Las Vegas?  I hope there are 91512″

Dear Dubstep fanbot,

First of all, thank you very much for reading my blog. Dubstep fanbots such as yourself are the reason I began writing this blog in the first place. Now, as for your comment: I respectfully must disagree with you. It is just my opinion that 91,512 dubstep stages at the Electric Daisy Carnival in Las Vegas is not a good use of time or resources for anyone. The construction of that many stages would be arduous and expensive, a number of the stages would likely go unused, and the dubstep fanbase in Las Vegas might not be large enough for this move to pay off financially. I hope you reconsider your position, and I would also encourage you to listen to other music genres that aren’t dubstep. You know, broaden your horizons. That way, you can enjoy the non-dubstep performances instead of hoping for an unrealistic amount of dubstep stages. Thanks for spamming.

“Hello! I have got a dark circles under my eyes. I Want to know what causes those dark circles and annoying bags under my eyes? Also I hear about Eyelasticity cream anyone been try it or not…Thanks for your help!”

Dear spambot with dark undereye circles,

Thank you for being so honest about the troubles you are facing on your face. That is very brave of you to do so unprovoked on my blog. I might recommend that you visit a dermatologist or a cosmetologist instead of my blog. Or, better yet, a Proctorologist. If that doesn’t work, perhaps you should spend more time sleeping and less time spamming my blog at  3 a.m. Thanks for spamming.

“Good day, I cant believe a number of of the w16eb sites I have been taken to from stumblupon. I was 24trying to pass a couple of dull 60 minutes away, when stumbleupon brought me here. What a extraordinary page you possess I’m so delighted to have discovered it I have just passed the previous 20 mins running through several of your articles and reviews, and have also bookmarked some of them. I will defiantly be back to learn a tiny bit more when i have alittle more time.”

Dear “stumplupon”-referred spammer,

Thank you for writing. I know you have your choice in w16eb sites, and I would like to thank you for choosing mine. On some occasions, I, too, like to pass a dull 60 minutes away by browsing through websites on stumbleupon. However, I feel like I know you well enough now that I can say something about your strange budgeting of time. You took 20 minutes to go through my relatively simple website, spent time writing this comment, and spent 60 minutes on stumpleupon, but you aren’t going to come back to my site until you have “alittle more time”? What is it that you were putting off while dicking around on the Internet? It sounds important. Maybe you should focus on whatever it was instead. With that said, I am looking forward to your defiant return to my website. Thanks for spamming.

It is rumored that "The Mailman" Karl Malone now spends his retirement sending spam mail

“It is actually a great and useful piece of info. I am glad that you just shared this helpful info with us. Please stay us informed like this. Thank you for sharing.”

Dear readerbot,

You’re welcome. As you can probably tell based on my posts, the primary objective of my blog is to stay people informed and share helpful info. I hope my readers now understand more about Italian Grandmothers, Adam West, and Mel Kiper’s relationship to the apocalypse so that they can make informed decisions in their lives. Thanks for spamming.

So I’m just gonna make some observations straight off th25e bat and be honest.

Dear honest spambot,

Whenever you are ready to make your observations straight off th25e bat, I will be here.

“What a great web log. I spend hours on the net reading blogs, about tons of various subjects. I have to first of all give praise to whoever created your theme and second of all to you for writing what i can only describe as an fabulous article. I honestly believe there is a skill to writing articles that only very few posses and honestly you got it. The combining of demonstrative and upper-class content is by all odds super rare with the astronomic amount of blogs on the cyberspace.”

Dear web-log-reading spambot,

Thank you so much for your kind words. Really the only reason that I started this website is to show that I “got it.” I am pleased that you noticed my demonstrative and upper-class style. You’re too kind. Please stop. No, really, PLEASE STOP. Thanks for spamming.

A Letter From Your Italian Grandmother

Have you ever watched a movie with European parents comparing their children or grandchildren (i.e., The Godfather or My Big Fat Greek Wedding)? Do you have a family matriarch or patriarch who asks you, directly or indirectly, why you can’t be more like your sibling?

This is a video my sister and I put together yesterday based on that premise (she did most of the work…okay, almost all of the work). We all have an Aficionado or a Nutella or a Linguini or a Paparazzo in our families. And sometimes, we have to hear about it from our parents or grandparents. I hope you enjoy.

A Letter to Adam West

The following is an open letter to Adam West on behalf of the Armless Mountains Foundation, a fictional organization that I am proud to have co-founded.

Mr. West,

First of all, we would like to thank you. During a career spanning five decades, you have captivated audiences with your masterful performances on screens both big and small. You kept us at the edge of our seats as Ty Lookwell in the 1991 TV movie “Lookwell.” You made us cry in the tragic role of the Young Mermaid Man in the TV drama “Spongebob Squarepants.” You gained our respect as George Washington in “1775.” You frightened us as “The Galloping Gazelle” in Goosebumps. And you made us laugh in “Johnny Bravo.”

And, of course, you somehow managed to make us go through the whole range of emotions in your iconic reoccurring role as The Batman, the adult version of the popular “Bat Boy” character from the Weekly World News novellas.

While you are now more focused on your mayorship of Quahog, Rhode Island, and no longer play the role of the caped crusader, we are writing you in the hope that you take on a new role, which promises to be, by far, the most challenging and rewarding part that you have ever played: our new grandfather.

There are few, if any, roles as important in a person’s life as that of grandfather. We have been thoroughly impressed by your commitment to excellence in all of your endeavors, and it is our greatest pleasure to extend this offer to you. If you accept our offer, we will be pleased to send you an application for the paternal position – although we consider the paperwork more of a formality since you have already been pre-approved.

We hope that you seriously consider our proposal. When reviewing our shortlist of candidates, we could not find another man who is more well-suited than you to write us checks for $12; fix our bicycles in your shop/batcave; turn on Matlock re-runs at family gatherings; tell us about the old days when everything was either significantly better or significantly more difficult; vanquish evildoers; carve Thanksgiving turkeys; and drive us to Luby’s for dinner at 3:30 p.m. (in a Batmobile). In return, you will receive two wonderful grandchildren who will silently tolerate your refusal to ever turn on the air conditioner no matter how hot it is when we visit your home. As you can see, this is a real win-win for all parties.

Now, here is where it gets tricky: the two of us are not related, meaning you have to become both of our grandfathers separately. This will require some extra effort on your part. However, we want to make it abundantly clear that we will do whatever is required to make this transition as simple and pain-free as possible.

Thank you very much for your time and consideration. We look forward to calling you our new grandpa in the near future. You are a mountain of a man (a mountain with arms). We believe you will make a mountain of a grandfather (also with arms).

Potential Love,

 

Tristan Hallman & Wendy Cawthon
The Armless Mountains Foundation
“Serving Mankind and Mountainkind Since 2010″

Bad Behavior has blocked 55 access attempts in the last 7 days.