In our last class of the semester, I was asked to write my own obituary on deadline. Here is what I came up with:

Longtime political journalist Tristan Robert Hallman died Tuesday at the age of 99 from injuries sustained while wrestling a grizzly bear.

In his 50 years in journalism, Hallman wrote a number of award-winning stories about Congress, the president, campaigns, political corruption and Social Security – a now-defunct government retirement insurance program.

He also wrestled bears – once fatally.

Hallman was born in San Diego, Calif., and grew up in Granbury, Texas, with his parents and brother and sister. He earned his Bachelor of Arts degree in political science and his master’s in journalism at the CUNY Graduate School of Journalism in New York. He often claimed to have earned a Ph.D. at “The School of Hard Knocks,” but that claim proved to be erroneous.

He then embarked on his career in political journalism before retiring to spend more time living in the woods. He was offered several teaching positions after his retirement, but turned the lucrative contracts down so he could wrestle bears on a full-time basis.

Those who knew Hallman said that they would remember Hallman fondly – if they could remember who he was.

“Leave me alone,” said Anika Anand, who was once Hallman’s graduate school classmate. “Who the hell is Tristan Hallman?”

“I’m pretty sure you mean Ajai Raj,” said Tom DiChristopher, who literally sat adjacent to Hallman in graduate school. “Ajai Raj died, and that is tragic. That guy was awesome.”

Raj is still alive and well, according to prison records.

“Yeah, I’m almost certain you mean Ajai Raj,” said Shawn Hallman, Tristan’s younger brother. “I never had a brother.”

Shawn Hallman did have a brother, according to U.S. Census records and countless photographs of the two together. And that brother died. From wrestling a bear.

Hallman said his only goal in life was to live to be 100. He claimed his life would be meaningless if he did not achieve that goal.

He is survived by his brother Shawn; his three children, all of whom declined comment and said they did not want to be associated with a guy who recklessly wrestled bears; and his sister, Carly, who could not be reached for comment because she was in China again or something like that.

The next 16 months have begun. After driving from Washington to Austin, I flew to New York City to begin grad school.

Here was how much I drove:

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Yes, it was a long, long, long drive. But I got to: laugh at the actually depressing “Hungry Mother Park”; wonder why every county in Virginia is a “Certified Business Location”; get angry at my GPS for telling me that the gas station is only 1 mile away when it’s actually 6 miles; and visit the upper left-hand corner of Georgia.

But now I am in New York. In my time here — less than a full week — I have already seen things I never could have imagined. For instance….

A “Meat Plan”

No, this isn’t like your insurance plan. There is no co-pay for meat. A local butcher offers about 20 different “Meat Plans,” which is just bundled meats. It would be a good way to save money, except all of the plans include things that I don’t want — pig feet, cow tongue, beef liver, etc.

Boxers with the NYC Subway Map printed on them!

For the low, low, cost of $30, you can own a pair of boxers that have the map of the NYC Subway system on them. You know, just in case you get lost and need to drop trou to find out where you are going.

Dodging people in the subway

Sure, I did some of this in D.C., but it’s a different experience with the oddly-laid-out subways here. Subway dodging has become a sport for me, what with all of the juking, running, spin moves, sudden stops, etc. I think LaDainian Tomlinson would be wise to use the subway system to get in shape in the offseason.

An NYPD officer forcefully asking a homeless guy to step away from his cart that was draped in blankets

I briskly walked to the other side of the platform. I turned around and saw about four other people following me at a slightly faster pace.

A couple breaking up inside a Dunkin Donuts

Is there a better place to break up with your ex-con significant other who has been cheating on you than a Dunkin Donuts? Probably. But hey, at least you both get a donut, right?

By the way, I know he was an ex-con because of this exchange:

Guy: Who told you that? Who up there knows me?!

Gal: Idunno, one of your friends from jail?!

Guy: I don’t know anyone from jail who lives up there!

The streets flooding when it rains

It turns out, I don’t have to walk to the Harlem River. It will come to me.

$6 for three plastic clotheshangers

That’s what my nearest Rite Aid charges. I walked a few more blocks to Target and got 18 hangers for $3.

Watching my building super get pissed because the contractor flushed grout down our toilet

Our bathroom flooded, our shower flooded, the gym downstairs had water running down the walls. Just an all-around bad idea if you’re a contractor.

Carrying more than 100 pounds of groceries and household products back to apartment, then realizing there are $30 portable carts I can buy.

There is always next time. Also, those six blocks are a lot further away on the trip back than on the walk to Target.

A bajillion episodes of The Larry Sanders Show

That number is rounded-up. But, since I don’t have cable but do have Netflix, I have continuously enjoyed the intellectual precursor to 30 Rock, Arrested Development, and Curb Your Enthusiasm. Don’t believe me? Just ask Wendy of “Wednesdays with Wendy” fame. She knows. She. Knows.

And this….

A rooftop view of Harlem facing downtown New York