Wednesdays with Wendy: Glassplosion!

For every young woman making the transition into adulthood, there comes a time when we accidentally blow up something in the kitchen whilst attempting to cook.

For me, this time was at approximately 11:25 p.m. last night. While trying to make a cup of tea before going to sleep, I accidentally turned on the wrong oven burner. It’s not the first time I’ve done it, and it probably won’t be the last.

However, this particular time the wrong oven burner was under a glass tray of brownies that my roommate had made the night before.

Brownies anyone?

Read the rest of this entry »

Wednesdays with Wendy: Things I Refuse to Grow Out Of

The first classes of my senior year start next week, and I recently took some time to think about how much of an adult I’ve become since the week before my first classes of freshman year.

I pay many of my own bills now, and what I don’t pay I’ve successfully delegated to my parents. I also use words like “delegate” as a part of my basic vocabulary. In addition to that, I can converse on the phone with banks and insurance agencies while maintaining a sense of knowing what I’m talking about.

EDITOR'S NOTE: What was that female character's name again?

However, immediately after patting myself on the back, I realized how many things I have yet to grow out of. And being the practical person I am, I’ve realized I’m too old to change. I’m 21 and three quarters and clearly set in my ways.

In many ways, I may never grow up. (Insert Peter Pan joke here.)

So I’ve put together (yet another) list of things I’ll never grow out of:

Children’s cereals: Let’s face it, adult cereals are disgusting. Stop trying to trick me into eating fiber! I don’t want it! I’m tired of pretending to like oats when all I really want are Crunch Berries. I will forever continue buying brightly colored boxes of fun-shaped sugar grains and I will forever be finding the prize and the bottom of the box before you can get to it.

I still maintain the belief that Crunch Berries should qualify as fruit.

My inability to do my own taxes: Alright, here’s the deal. Dad, if you’re reading this, I have a proposition for you: I will continue to pretend to offer to learn how to do my own taxes, if you’ll continue to actually do them for me until I can afford an accountant. Deal? Deal.

Children’s sized utensils and dishware: Sometimes I like to feel very dainty. And the kid’s dishes at IKEA are cuter than the adult ones. I’m okay with it.

The pink blanket I’ve had since my birth: It’s not a baby blanket if it still covers my feet. And it’s not a security blanket if it’s not bulletproof.

After some serious thought, I’ve decided that someday my own children will either love me because of all the things we have in common, or resent me because I eat their cereal out of their favorite bowls.

Wendy Cawthon is a journalist, a college student and a Toys-R-Us Kid. Her regular column, Wednesdays with Wendy, appear here every…Wednesday.

Wednesdays with Wendy: How I Spent My Summer Vacation

Summer is almost over, you guys. Well, not really — technically there’s still another month before the first day of autumn. But the school year will be starting soon, which means summer’s dead to me now.

Anyway, the point I’m trying to make is that soon students will head back to the classroom, eager to share how they spent the last three months.

At the beginning of every school year, whether I’m asked to or not, I write an essay on how I spent my summer vacation.

As our culture becomes more and more image-oriented, it’s important to use the best medium to capture the attention of your audience. That being said, instead of summing up my accomplishments of the summer in essay form, this year I’ve chosen to create a easy-to-understand chart using a site created by what I can only guess is the world’s best middle school teacher.

So here goes, pay no mind to the distorted appearance, that’s just your brain adjusting to pie in chart form:

*Author’s Note: .5% of time was spent trying to make this pie chart.

Wednesdays with Wendy: Ways to Settle the National Debt

The United States and I have a few things in common. We both love TV, we’re both confused as to how to go about getting health insurance, and we both have a large amount of debt that we’ve accumulated from loans.

But we’ve got to stay optimistic. Many people have managed to get out of debt through hard work and clever thinking. So I’ve come up with a few ways that America can cut down on its debt. You’re welcome.

1) Waiting Tables

Put down that torch and pick up a tray, Lady Liberty. America used to be a nation of people who worked their way to the top from humble beginnings. We need to prove that we not too proud to put in an honest day’s work. And with the nation’s current GDP, it wouldn’t hurt to pick up a part-time job.

On a good night, a waitress can take home, like, 50 bucks. As long as the nation doesn’t blow it on clothes it right away, and maybe spends a few nights at home, rather than going out with its Coalition of Friends every weekend, it should soon be well on it’s way to being more financially independent.

Currently the national debt is estimated to be around $14.6 trillion. So that’s only like 292 billion nights working.

The Downside:

America has proven time and time again that it cannot multitask, which will probably make waiting tables and running the country a bit difficult. Another case of women trying to have it all.

Also, how awkward would it be if anyone from the U.N. saw America in its IHOP uniform? Embarrassing.

2) Moving Back in with the Parents:

America could follow the current trend of “Boomerang Kids,” in which grown children move back in with their parents for financial support. For America, this would mean moving back in with its mom country, Britain. At least until it gets back on it’s feet.

The nation could agree to revert back to the 13 original colonies, with a bonus of 37 additional colonies. In return, Britain would allow America to crash in it’s old room, rent free, so that the nation can save up money to buy a small, 1-bedroom of it’s own.

It might be a little bit lame at first. Britain’s gotten pretty boring in it’s old age, always telling stories about how the sun used to never set on it. But like most parents, Britain probably has a nicer house than America, and might take the nation out for Mexican food every once in a while.

The Downside:

Britain has a very strict “My Roof, My Rules” policy. Like America needs a curfew anymore. It’s 235 years old! Jeez! Britain doesn’t even remember what it’s like to be America’s age. It used to be cool.

3) Selling Things on Craigslist:

Many people believe that America has developed a culture of excess and consumerism. And this is true. As a nation, we have a lot of extra stuff. It’s time to tighten our Bible Belt. So why not sell the crap we hardly use anymore and make a few quick bucks?

Like the states. Come on, do we really need 50 of them? We could spare a Dakota or two. Does West Virginia really need to be separated from the real Virginia? And when was the last time we got any use out of Kentucky?

America could easily put up a post just to see if it got any offers. China would probably be on that in like 30 minutes. Here, I’ll even write the post:

“I’m moving out and I can’t take all my states with me in my car, so I’m willing to sell some of them for pretty cheap. They’re in pretty good shape; a couple of them are less than 60 years old. I’m asking for $5 trillion each OBO. Must bring own truck to move them with. Also willing to trade for national landmarks.”

The Downside:

Craigslist Killers

Wednesdays with Wendy: The 5 Jobs I’ll Be Most Qualified for After College

With my senior year approaching fast, the biggest question in the back of my mind is “What am I going to do once I graduate?” The option of being The Next Oprah is now up for grabs, but I’m not nearly sassy enough yet, and I can’t pin all my hopes on that daytime talk show slot.

After some brainstorming, and a good, hard look at the current job market, I decided the best careers are the ones that fulfill needs people didn’t even know they had. Therefore, I’ve pieced together some of the more useful skills I’ve acquired from my college career thus far and created a list of possible careers:

1) Professor of LOST or The OC Philosophy-

Most college freshmen spent their time going to their first college parties or joining new clubs, making new friends — whatever, I had bigger projects to accomplish. Much of my freshman year was spent with my future roommates watching and discussing some of the most influential TV shows of our generation, LOST and The OC. It was during this time we realized we would be qualified to lead a philosophy class based on the shows and their hidden themes.

We have so much to learn from Jack’s hero complex or Kirsten’s battle with alcoholism. Or why Seth Cohen is so lovable, and why Vincent the dog is the true leader of the island. The concepts of justice and redemption are strong in these shows, with many strong biblical undertones: Jack as a Sheppard of people, the concept of Chrismakuh.

The possibilities are endless. I could teach that class for 4, 8, 15, 16, 23 or even 42 years.

 

2) Ramen Noodle Assembly Line Worker-

Noodles? Check. Flavor Packet? Check. Done and done.

 

3) Food Network TV Chef-

After spending many a winter and summer break watching the Food Network, I’ve come to the realization that there is a whole demographic the network has failed to capture: college students.

I’ve come up with a short list of show ideas:

-5 Minute Meals: Ramen noodles, PB&J, and a worldwide hunt for the best children’s cereals.

-Ace of Kegs- Cuz, you know…. college.

-$2 Dollar Dinners- I’ve worked more miracles with Campbell’s Condensed Soup and rice that I bought in bulk than you’ll ever know.

-Another alternative was “How to Boil Water,” but I checked and apparently that’s already a show. Also already a show? “What would Brian Boitano Make?”

 

4) Game Show Contestant-

Between college classes on pop culture and an entire semester studying the concept of color (thanks, liberal arts education), I feel like I have a pretty good grasp on most trivia questions.

I could make the rounds on all the major network game shows: Millionaire, Jeopardy!, The Wheel,  Maury. (I realize it isn’t technically a game show, but I like to make a guessing game out of the paternity test results. I’ve gotten quite good.)

After I’ve made a name for myself on the circuit, I’ll move on to some of the lesser shows just to keep a steady income going: Cash Cab, Deal or No Deal, Family Feud.

I’ve decided to save The Price is Right for last. It’ll give me something to look forward to as I head into retirement. Also, I’m in no hurry now that Drew Carey is hosting. He still needs time to establish himself on TPIR, and that could take years.

 

5) Inventor of a New Social Network-

If Mark Zuckerburg can do it, so can I. Except instead of a text and picture-based website, all the content will be video. It’s like a combination of the Truman Show and video blogging. It’ll now be easier than ever to stalk someone, both on the web and in person. Instead of checking in somewhere, just tell people your exact location! Instead of taking a picture of yourself, just put on makeup directly in front of the camera!

But if this seems too personal for you, don’t worry. There are still plenty of opportunities to be passive-aggressive or anti-social. Instead of talking to someone directly, just record a video for them and wait for them to respond. Or better yet, talk about someone and post it.

There are still a couple of kinks to work out, like how to replace the concept of poking someone, or Farmville (Maybe actual farming?) but I think it’s going to be pretty good.

Wednesdays with Wendy: Alternate TV Slogans

Usually during the summatime, I have AMC’s Mad Men to save me from summer reruns. Don Draper’s secret double life, secret pregnancies and the occasional historical event to remind the audience that it’s 1963: It’s TV gold. But the show is on hiatus until January 2012, so I’m going to have to make do without it.

In addition to day-drinking and speaking only in vague, dramatic sentences to my co-workers, (“Shut the door,” “What have you done!?”) I’ve put together a list of some of the unused ideas presented by ad agencies for some of America’s favorite brands.

Men’s Warehouse: “You’re gonna like the way you look….unless you’re really unattractive.”

ABC Family: “It’s like ABC, without the hit dramas or comedy shows or news….we have 700 Club!”

Jif Peanut Butter: “Choosey Moms choose All Natural Vegan Almond Butter….but this is cheaper. Cheaper Moms choose JIF.”

Dunkin’ Donuts: “America walks a little slower on Dunkin’.”

Frosted Flakes: Theeeey’rrrrreee mostly corn!”

Taco Bell: “Think outside the Bun…this is the Mexican version of a bun. It’s totally different.”

Secret Deodorant: “Strong enough for a man, made for the mannish woman.”

Eggo Waffles: “Sir, I believe you are mistaken. That is my breakfast pastry. Kindly put it down.”

Band-Aids: “I am stuck on Band-Aid Brand because it’ll hurt too much to take it off.”

L’Oreal: “Because you need it. Just look at yourself.”

Beggin’ Strips: “Your idiot dog will think it’s bacon.”

Hidden Valley Ranch Dressing: “Makes Vegetables Edible.”

Lean Cuisine: “So you can show all your coworkers that you’re clearly counting calories now.”

Just for Men Hair Color: “So you can pick up the younger girls without looking too creepy. Who’s the sad divorcee now? Not you. Not anymore.”

Pringles: “Once you POP, you just can’t stop. Suck it, portion control!”

State Farm Insurance: “Like a good neighbor, State Farm keeps their lawn under control and minds their own damn business.”

Wednesdays with Wendy: Billion Dollar Baby

Yesterday during testimony for the British Parliament, Rupert Murdoch got served a slice of humble pie, in the form of a plate of shaving cream to the face. It didn’t go over well.

If someone had tried to slime Rupert Murdoch, it would have been like a '90s Nickelodeon Show all over again. Photo: World Economic Forum

So what have we learned from this? Billionaires are not invincible. They can be pranked as easily as you or I. Well, as easily as you, anyway. Therefore, I’ve compiled this list of billionaires left to be pranked. By working together, we can all take them down a peg. Yes, they’ll still be richer than you or I could ever hope to be (well, you could ever hope, anyway) but they are going to be so embarrassed.

“Wait, Wendy,” you may ask, “didn’t they already do this on Punk’d? Pulling pranks on the rich and famous?”

To this I say, “No, shut up. This is totally different. How’d you get in my apartment? Get out of here.”

After searching through a list of the world’s richest people on Forbes, and then sorting through all the Russian names I couldn’t pronounce, I picked the billionaires deemed to be most pranksworthy.

Bill Gates, still a total nerd.

Bill Gates***: Although Gates is a self-made man as well as a generous philanthropist; let us not forget that he is first and foremost, a nerd. And what’s nerdier that a 55-year-old man who still wets the bed? Not much. At the next Annual Microsoft Sleepover, someone could sneak in while Gates was asleep and carefully place his hand in warm water. It’ll be the most embarrassing thing for him since Windows Vista.

***This prank was originally meant for Warren Buffet, but then I thought it might be a little sad if he didn’t know it was a prank. He’s getting up there in age.

Oprah Winfrey is just asking for her stapler to be put in Jello. Photo: Alan Light

Oprah Winfrey: You guys, Oprah loves pranks. Remember that one time she fooled all those people into getting “free” cars, when really they had to pay all the taxes on them? Or that other time she got all those people to “read” under the phony guise of a “book club?” So it’s only fitting that someone finally play a prank on her. This one will be trickier, you know, because Oprah is O-mnipotent.

This prank should be simple and classic. Something along the lines of putting her stapler in Jello. Hopefully, she’ll be a good sport about it and make cherry Jello one of her new Favorite Things.

Sun-Dried Billionaire Donald Trump Photo: Michele Sandber

Donald Trump: A wise person told me once that if you put Donald Trump’s hairpiece into water, it’ll dissolve. Since I am a fan of urban legends, I would like to know whether this is true. To find out, someone simply needs to break into the Donald’s office at Trump Towers and carefully balance a full bucket of water on top of an open door. When he opens the door, the water will come crashing down, dissolving the hair and rehydrating the face. He’s beginning to look a little like a sun-dried tomato.

Steve Jobs might only own that one outfit. Photo by Mylerdude

Steve Jobs: The Mac Genius has revolutionized the way we listen to music and text, thanks to stupid Auto-Correct for the iPhone. (Maybe I wanted to type “Laaaaaaaaame” and not “Pasadena.”) This grammar-correcting iGeek is no stranger to pranks either. Remember when the iPhone came out and was like $600 but then a few months later they reduced the price? Totally fooled everyone.

Anyway, like Apple products, the prank should be simple and user-friendly. Put a tack on his chair. Make sure it’ll poke through those tough Mom-jeans.

You can't un-tag shame, Mark. You just can't. Photo: David Terrar

Mark Zuckerberg: This sandals-wearing billionaire is still under 30 and is most likely still aware of some of the most popular college pranks. Nevertheless, I propose we wait until he’s asleep and draw our privacy concerns on his face.

Don’t forget to take pictures and tag them on Facebook. Plenty of red cups in the background will make it look like he’s passed out drunk, keeping him from scoring any future job offers. He’s so going to get a phone call from his mom.

 

Wendy Cawthon is a nineteenth-generation person who resides in Texas. She writes her column “Wednesdays with Wendy” for TristanHallman.com every…well, Wednesday. Follow her on Twitter @WendyCawthon.

Wednesdays with Wendy: Things I Learned in the South

Recently, I took a road trip through the South as part of my summer vacation. Since gasoline does not come cheaply these days, you may be sitting at home, waiting for the South to come to you. That may not happen. This is why I’ve decided to take everything I’ve learned from the past week about traveling in the South and put it in this post. Here goes:            

Local Radio is a Great Form of Entertainment

Road trips often require being in your car for extended periods of time, so it’s important to keep yourself entertained. If you’re in the driver’s seat, this may be more difficult, as it is unwise to read a book or sleep while operating a vehicle. You may be tempted to purchase a book on tape, or make a series of mix CDs. This attempt at the educational or creative is not recommended, since your traveling companions may not want to listen to “Marley and Me” or hear your collection of rare Lionel Richie B-Sides.

A fun alternative sitting in silence is listening to local radio stations picked up by your car’s FM radio. More often than not, the reception will be poor, resulting in an overlap between songs. This can create a mashup the sounds of which the biggest hipsters have never heard before. For example, I’ve found that Sheryl Crow & Kid Rock’s “Picture” pairs nicely with Adele’s “Rolling in the Deep.” Or anything else for that matter.

Also good? Kelly Clarkson with commercials for auto insurance.

Have fun with the radio, make it into a game. Ten points for every time you hear the word y’all or a swear word being used!

Your Car Can Double As a Church

The Bible Belt is the area of the South that holds the nation’s pants up, so as to cover its shame. While this area can be easily identified by its overwhelming abundance of Baptist churches, the Belt is also known for its hundreds of descriptive billboards with Bible quotes. Reading these while driving is a great way to be Saved while enjoying the miracle of God’s highway system.

However, since I imagine many of these billboards are put up by small churches or that one woman at the store who glares at me whenever I buy wine in the morning, they aren’t of the best quality.

Many appear to be handmade out of what I can only hope is paint. One in Alabama, which looked otherwise professional, was missing half of its Bible quote. It read:

“For God loved the world so much that he gave…” And then it ended. What did He give!?

My favorite from the trip? “God Did It!!!” No word yet on what He did, but it was probably pretty impressive to warrant a billboard.

Have Fun with Local Food

The South offers a variety of foods that attract people from all over. BBQ, Cajun food, Stuckey’s — it’s all there. Trying local food can be a great way to get the most out of your visit to the South. It can be both a delicious and educational experience.

For example, this week I learned that a Cracklin is another name for a pork rind, or fried pigskin. They are a popular snack food in the South, comparable to potato chips. While many dieters may shy away from Cracklins due to their high sodium or the fact that it sometimes comes with the subcutaneous fat attached, it may interest them to know that they have no carbs. (Score one for Atkins!)

Cracklins can be found at Circle Ks and truck stops along the interstate.

Cracklins pair nicely with a sauvignon blanc or a glass of rosé.

Hopefully, this has inspired you to drop everything, get in your car and head to your nearest Cracker Barrel. But before you do, remember these important tips:

  • Don’t ask gas station attendants in the South “What’s Cracklin?” They won’t think it’s as funny as you do.
  • Check your car’s oil before and after your trip. This is especially important if you are a woman, because every man along the way will ask if you’ve remembered to do this.
  • Make hotel reservations. Even though calling to make a reservation for a Motel 6 in Gulfport, Mississippi is on the same level as cleaning garbage before you throw it away, they will be full and the “concierge” will give you sass.

Wednesdays with Wendy: Emotional Animal Cruelty

Last week, New York made big news when it legalized same-sex marriage. While this was indeed a victory for many same-sex couples across the nation, lawmakers and activists alike failed to notice a gaping hole in the legislation: the bill only protects human couples.

Feline marriage, while commonly recognized among Crazy Cat Ladies around the world, is still not legal. Even more illegal? Same-sex cat marriage.

For cats raised as Catholics (most are, it’s a popular religion among cats for obvious reasons, CATholics), it’s sin in the eyes of Cat Jesus and the Cat Pope to even be considering same-sex cat marriage. But it’s different when the issue is living in your own house.

The Cat Pope is against same-sex cat marriage.

My feline friends (I don’t like to call them pets — that’s a level of inequality I’m just not comfortable with) Halle and Audrey have been in a same-sex cat relationship for over a year.

These same sex cats have been living together in sin, knowing that this is as far as their relationship can go, until the government catches up with their forward way of thinking.

They’re both clearly depressed. They spend all day sleeping and staring out windows, just wishing that they, too, could enjoy the benefits of marriage.

And when they’re not sleeping, they’re arguing all the time. The stress of not being able to join in the bonds of holy matrimony has clearly put an emotional strain on their relationship. Those two fight like — man, I wish there was a common saying about house pets fighting, oh well — they argue a lot.

The other day Audrey, clearly distraught by the injustices she is forced to suffer everyday, attacked Halle, sneaking up behind her while she was eating. To an outsider, it might look like two playful cats. But I knew it was much more than that — it was domestic abuse.

This is what inequality has done to our cats.

 

With her dreams shattered, Audrey has developed a drinking problem.

Halle, obviously afraid for her life and her relationship, threw up in the closet. She tried to play it off like nothing happened and she didn’t care that she had just ruined a perfectly nice sweater, but I know it was more than an upset stomach.

To those who have finished reading this and have still not been swayed by my emotional and logical arguments, I present you with the following challenge.

A traditional cat wedding

Can you imagine how adorable a cat wedding would be? Try and picture it and not be won over by the adorableness. Little wedding dresses and tuxedos? Diamond ring collars? It’s almost too much. But not for those cat couples. It’s exactly what they deserve.

For more information on how to write a letter to your state representatives or president about legalizing feline marriage please e-mail me at:

Icanhazequalrights?@lolcatz.com

Wendy Cawthon is an intern for the Pflugerville Pflag and Round Rock Leader. She files her weekly column, Wednesdays with Wendy, for TristanHallman.com from the Lost City of Atlantis. Reportedly, she is pretty awesome. You can follow her on Twitter @WendyCawthon

Wednesdays with Wendy: A simpler guide to healthy eating

The USDA has finally done away with the long-standing Food Pyramid as a guideline for healthy eating. And it’s about time too. Have you sat down and read that thing? 6-11 servings of grains a day? Please. Carbs much?

For now, the pyramid has been replaced by the hip, new MyPlate. But I suspect it will last exactly as long as MySpace did. Yeah, I noticed the similarity.

The reason behind these food guide’s failures is simple: When was the last time you saw a pyramid or plate shaped food? The only one I can think of is pizza, either by the slice or as a whole, which may be the reason behind America’s obesity crisis.

Americans need something easier. We’re on the go all the time, sometimes. We need a guide that looks exactly like the foods we should be eating. This way, we can simply look at a food, determine if it is a healthy shape, and be on our way, without having to even think about fat content or dietary fiber.

That’s why I’ve created a series of alternatives to be considered by the USDA:

First up is the Food Sphere. Basically any food in ball-form is fair game. To determine is a food fits into this category, remember this simple saying: “If it rolls, okay then.”

Some examples of healthy sphere foods include: Swedish meatballs (or really any meat, so long you’ve molded it into a spherical shape), peas, almond-covered cheese balls, and oranges.

Frozen meatballs are an excellent source of protein and cold.

Servings should be limited to how many times a day you can talk about your new ball-shaped food diet without giggling. Grow up.

[Note: If oranges are out of season, or not readily available in your area, chocolate shaped and flavored like oranges are also acceptable.]

—–

Next is the Food Cup. This category is made up of nutrient-rich liquids. There is a lot to be said for liquid diets. Many reality TV stars sustain themselves by drinking all day. And who are you to say that you’re any better than a reality star?

Some examples of healthy liquids for this guide include: Milkshakes (don’t spill it in your car unless it’s a rental), light beer, soup, protein shakes, regular beer, Diet Coke, all clear liquors, queso, all brown liquors, Country Time Pink Lemonade and Mountain Dew: Code Red.

A breakfast option.

Serving size should be limited to however many combined liquids you can pour into a 44-ounce Super Big Gulp from 7-11.

—–

This last guide is likely the most realistic. The Food Bag is the most commonly found shape that provides the greatest variety.

Bag-shaped foods include: microwave popcorn (raw), pre-washed lettuce, Bugles, Capri Sun, anything in a Ziploc baggie and that cereal at the bottom shelf in the grocery store.

Lunch on-the-go.

No matter the contents, servings should be limited to 4-5 bags a day.

DISCLAIMER:

Like most things that work well, these statements have not been approved by the FDA. Before starting any new dietary lifestyle, you should consult with your doctor or mom to determine that you are healthy enough to eat food. If you are hungry for more than four hours, please seek immediate medical attention.

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